Not roses,
not chocolates,
not even cotton-stuffed bears.
We won't see a movie tonight,
not even the one with that actor.
I wont burn a CD,
with music that speaks to us.
Don't expect a fancy restaurant.
Don't hope for a glittering rock.
If there's one thing I'm not doing,
is buying your love.
Because you deserve better.
A rose made from origami.
A dinner by my fire place.
Glittering rocks in a necklace,
hand-made by me.
I would never allow an artist,
to tell you what I can say better.
Why have a movie set the mood,
if I can set it, and hotter at that.
I would never buy you roses,
you deserve more effort than that.
I would make them for you.
Mr. Wunderlich -
ReplyDeleteWe discussed this outside of class, but let me be the first to say online that your work is very well-written. I love this simple concept of taking what others do and doing it yourself. Sort of a manifesto against Hallmark in a sense. I especially like line 6 - "not even the one with that actor." I think that implies a depth in the relationship that wasn't really shown earlier, and indicates what's to come later. The tonal shift in line 13 (unlucky?) is also very well placed. However, my initial concerns are as follows. One, I believe origami is an art of paper-folding, and the preposition "from" doesn't really fit. I think "through origami" flows better. Also, in line 17 you use the passive voice: "hand-made by me." I think the active voice, i.e., "one that I made" or something of the sort, emphasizes your role in the creation of the necklace. Finally, in lines 20 and 21 you ask why a movie should set the mood, and yet there's no question mark at the end.
But, all in all, minor quibbles in some very well-done poetry.
- Luke M.